11. December 2007 by Carol.

Today will be a day of eliminating what has seemed like an endless list of things to do before this medical adventure I am going on.  But just when I think I have the list written down completely I think of something else I need to do which makes eliminating that list just that much more difficult.  So my eliminations for today will be to accomplish as much as I can of this list so that they are eliminated from the list and then eliminate my intense need to get everything done if I don’t have it all done by the end of the day.  Then I need to slow down my non-stop whirling brain and eliminate thoughts about everything else but what is ahead for the next few days.  This will be a tough transition because I’m used to taking care of everything myself (think it’s a control issue?? :-)  ) and after today I am, for the next many days, going to need others to do an awful lot for me.   Hmmm….eliminating self-sufficiency might be the thing in this case…  This will be hard.

Thanks for reading.

Posted in A Kidney for Carol - thoughts on the transplant | 2 Comments »

11. December 2007 by Carol.

Denial…that was today’s elimination.  I know I have been in somewhat of a state of denial since all this started moving so fast a couple weeks ago but today that denial was given a big, humongous, ginormous slap in the face!  Nearly decked me!  I spent the day at Loyola getting poked and prodded and meeting with some of those who will be taking care of me in the coming days.  Meeting with the anesthesiology representative was an eye opener and then came the surgeon…  He poked around and showed me where he was going to cut and how long it will be (8 inches!!!! - yikes!) and all the potential complications for my situation.  I tried so hard to get him to laugh but I think he doesn’t have much of a sense of humor…are all surgeons like that?  There were blood draws and x-rays and signatures and paperwork abounded.  And everything was all sort of gray - the weather, the environment, my disposition…am I really doing the right thing (I kept wondering…)?

But as I went through the day I watched the people around me as I moved from place to place.  “These people are really sick” I kept saying to myself, “I don’t belong here…”  Ah, there it was again…that denial thing.  My heart ached for those who were so outwardly obviously sick.  And I then had a glimmer of gratefulness that I would, Lord willing, not be one of those dialysis patients who get so sick from kidney failure.

And all of a sudden I ran into Jaime in the hallway.  She too was being sent from pillar to post and being poked and prodded (it was a “p” day as my young friend Raymond would say) but there she was coming down the hall and we both smiled when we saw each other and embraced.  She is so brave and strong…can I get even just a little of that in her left kidney that she is giving me?  I hope so.

And so many people I encountered today that worked at Loyola.  Many of them somewhat welcoming and helpful.  Others were so unhappy and it seemed like their lives lacked any joy.  Many were immigrants from Poland and elsewhere.  I wondered what their lives were like.

So denial is slowly being eliminated from my brain.  What will replace it?  Courage?  I hope so.  Fear?  No doubt…it’s already seeping in.  But I keep thinking about the story in scripture about the paralytic who was lowered through the roof by his faithful and faith filled friends.  It was because of those friends that he was healed and that is how I feel right now.  Because if the faith of those who are in my lfie and care about me, I will be healed.

Thanks for reading.

Posted in A Kidney for Carol - thoughts on the transplant | No Comments »