It’s 10:30 Sunday night and tomorrow I am planning to return to work full time in the office. It’s been over two months (much longer than I ever dreamed it would be) since I’ve worked full time and I must admit I am feeling reticent about it. Can I make it through 8 hours of work plus do the 1 hour commute each way? Will I remember how to do certain things at work? Will I be able to get caught up on all the changes that have been made in the last two months? I feel like a new employee starting a new job tomorrow…
One of the things I have noticed in these couple of months is that my brain is not as sharp, as quick as it was before. I am sure I can blame all kinds of things - anesthesia, the plethora of drugs I’m taking (by the way, I’m down to 36 a day now) and their side effects, the fact that my brain hasn’t had the energy to be engaged to much the last number of weeks - yes I can blame all these things. But tonight I feel myself getting fearful that my brain won’t ever return to it’s former self.
But I know that fear is not from the Lord and that I need to trust him to restore everything that I need to do my job well and maybe even better than ever before now that my kidney function is so much higher. This is where I get hung up in my faith - the need to trust the Lord for all that I require to do what he has called me to do. It’s that head/heart thing. My head knows that trusting the Lord is truth but sometimes my heart defies what I know. Makes me think about this PICC line I have in me - 51 centimeters (which I think is around 20″) that runs from my left arm to not far from my heart. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a spiritual PICC line that could run from my head to my heart? Then perhaps God could infuse those spiritual heart things that I need just like I infused the antibiotic into my blood stream.
Trust is just a five letter word with one syllable but it feels like the longest word in the dictionary to me. May I learn how to shorten it to it’s proper length and respond with trust as quickly as I can say it.
Thanks for reading.
PS - tomorrow I will learn if I can eliminate the PICC line! That would be a wonderful thing to eliminate. I’ll let you know Tuesday.
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