Wow! (part 2)…another dose of reality…

25. March 2008 by Carol.

There’s been this strange little sadness surfacing in me lately and I haven’t been able to figure it out.  And I’ve been trying to ignore it but not particularly successfully. 

Tonight a simple, empathetic comment from a Medicare telephone representative started opening that up to me a little.  In the last 24 hours (literally - because I had it yesterday at this time) I have misplaced my invoice for my Medicare premium.  And it’s due tomorrow.  When I commented about how much I felt like a dork for losing the envelope her response was “It’s okay.  You’ve got a lot on your plate.”

Wow!  I was in tears as soon as she said that.  I realized that since the transplant I’ve been trying to “tough it out” as often as I can and that I (and I’ve felt like a few others) have imposed all kinds of expectations on myself that  I should be strong and capable and acting like a  ”normal” person (whatever that means).  And that I should no longer have any problems or struggle with being sick and all of that stuff that goes along with being chronically ill.

But the truth is that I will always be chronically ill.  The transplant is not a “cure” - certainly an ENORMOUS boost to my physical well-being, certainly the best form of treatment and medical care for my kidney disease - but not a “cure.”

And I’ve realized tonight that the stress of the expectations I (and I’ve felt like a few others) have placed on myself had begun to break down by just that simple, kind word from a stranger at Medicare on the other end of the phone.

So any of you who may be reading who are also struggling with chronic illness, take heart…”You have a LOT on your plate.”   And while we who are sick can’t use that as an excuse it is certainly a reason for being kind to yourself and having reasonable expectations for yourself and not letting others control those feelings.  I pray that I can take those very words I am preaching and apply them to myself on a regular basis.

Thanks for reading!  And thanks to the anonymous Medicare representative who unwittingly spoke a word of healing to me tonight.

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