Chocolate is the world’s great equalizer…

1. August 2008 by Carol.

I know that some of you would say “Now Carol if you were being spiritual you would know that the Cross is the great equalizer.”  Others of you who are more pragmatic would tell me that death is the world’s great equalizer.

But I am here today to declare “hah!” to all those theories.  It is chocolate – there is no doubt in my mind.  Chocolate – a taste of heaven right here on earth! Let me tell you why I’ve made this conclusion.  Pull up a chair.  This is quite a story (and I LOVE to expound on it!).

I was scheduled for a test last week that required that I consume something they sneakily called a “drink”.  OK – I opened up the container, took a whiff, kind of shrugged and thought, “well it smells like orange Tang so it ought to be okay”.  I proceeded to begin to pour this “drink” down my throat.

The initial response of the taste buds on the front of my tongue was “not too bad”- tolerable – I can do this.  But then it got past those little guys and started going down my throat.  All of a sudden it was like it turned into Satan personified right there in the back of my mouth!  OH MY GOSH!!!  I couldn’t stop it – there was no calling it back before it went down and then decided of its own accord to return from whence it came.

I called the medical facility where I was to have the test done and explained the situation and that I couldn’t keep the stuff down.  The woman at the other end was unsympathetic (sometimes I think that all of you who provide medical services to patients ought to experience it yourself first!  - the aforementioned Dr. Susan Hou is excepted here…).  She kept reminding me that I had a 9 o’clock appointment and I needed to be there a half hour before to register (it was 8:25 and I live 15 minutes away – you do the math). That if I was late then it would cause a domino affect for the rest of their day.   I kept telling her that hurling and driving just don’t go together but her opinion was not to be deterred.

So I grabbed my purse and the container of this satanic potion to drink when I got there and did my level best to get there as quickly as possible.  And, of course, in the middle of downtown I got a long, slow freight train!

I ultimately reached the hospital, got myself in line for registration only to recall that I left the doctor’s orders at home!  Ugh!  It was all more than I could take (and not just the remaining “drink”) and so I rescheduled the thing for this morning and grabbed another container of “satan” so I could try to prepare for the test once more.

This new iteration of the stuff had the gall to call itself “Creamy Vanilla Latte’” or something exotic like that.  I was told to make sure it was very cold and maybe even consider drinking it through a straw (that, to me, seemed like it would only slow the torture so I opted out on that choice).

I had already planned to not even try to consume this stuff until I got to the hospital.  I was going to get there an hour and a half early so I could get registered and, as instructed, drink it slowly over the hour prior to the test.

Well, being the curious person that I am (as well as prudent and one who learns from past experience – or maybe fears from it instead) I had to take a tiny taste before I left.  So I shook the container with all my might, took the screw top off, pulled back the hermetic seal and took a whiff.  Once again the smell lured me in saying “I’m good, don’t be afraid, try me – you’ll like me” and on and on.  I bit.  I got a spoon and took a taste.

Those little front taste buds went “mmmmmm” and then the liquid poison proceeded south in my body.  Whoa!  OH NO!!!!  It was all a LIE!  I was duped!  Bleckkkkk!  I knew that this stuff in its present form was NOT going to pass this way again..

I called the hospital again, got to the CT lab phone and this time (whew!) got a very friendly person named Sandy who felt my pain, knew my plight, exuded sympathy!  Then her magic words came over the phone line…

“TRY PUTTING CHOCOLATE IN IT!”  The stuff of heaven!  Yes!

So I squeezed a little Hershey’s in it until it achieved the proper shade of a chocolate beverage, replaced the lid, grabbed my purse and headed out still determined that I wasn’t going to attempt mixing hurling and driving (friends don’t let friends drive…!)

Got there, did all the opening act of registering, etc., headed upstairs for the CT lab and another Sandy (that became a happy name for me today) pleasantly nodded with understanding and lead me to a private bathroom where I could attempt to wrestle with satan again yet still be prepared if he won!

I shut the door, shook the container, removed the lid and took a whiff.  “MMMMMMM” my brain said, “smells like a yummy chocolate shake!”  (“This is your brain…this is your brain on drugs…any questions?”)  Over the lips, past the gums – look out stomach here it comes. 

I glugged it down and, of course, my deceitful tongue did it to me again.  But this time it was the smell of the chocolate that kept me going.  The first glug went down and threatened upon landing so I drank a little water, took a deep breath and kept on.  I took another whiff of the chocolate, tricked my brain into keeping that chocolate smell foremost in my thoughts and took the next glug of hell.  Same cycle – glug, sip water, deep breath, relax. 

OK – two down maybe three more to go…I pushed on feeling giddy that the smell of chocolate wouldn’t fail me.  Once again, sniff the chocolate, trick the mind, take the glug, sip the water, breathe the air, relax.  That third one was a little more difficult but I pressed on knowing I was beating against the very gates of hell.  Once more, sniff, trick glug sip, breathe, relax.  Then I knew it was all over.  If I attempted to continue this onslaught I would lose.  Quit while you’re ahead my stomach wisely told me.

So I checked with the friendly Sandy at the front to see if I had consumed enough of this death dredge to sufficiently perform the test.  She checked with the technician and (oh the joy of it all!) the answer was yes!  I’d made it!  I’d beaten the odds!  The gates of hell had NOT prevailed!

And it was all because of those five little words I’d heard earlier “Try putting chocolate in it!”

Yes, I know that it was not just the chocolate – it was also the grace of God to put all the right people in my path this morning to give me the right advice and the right encouragement at the right time.  I am oh so grateful for his direction of today’s adventure.

But, hey, didn’t God create chocolate in the first place??

Thanks for reading…

Posted in A Kidney for Carol - thoughts on the transplant | 1 Comment »