Seasons change…

29. October 2008 by Carol.

Autumn is by far my favorite season.  For me, there is nothing like pulling out my sweaters and sweatshirts and warm jammies.  I start yearning for chili and soup and all those comforting, ”non-summer” kinds of things.  Even as I write this I am simmering chicken for a pot of homemade chicken soup.  I’ve just been craving it.  That’s autumn.

In contrast to the burst of bright, happy colors that appear in the spring, the colors in autumn are rich reds and deep goldens and the sky is so very, very blue.  The smell of burning leaves, cool breezes in the air and the lights of farm machinery in the fields at night as the farmers hasten to reap the golden rewards of their summer’s toil.  These are autumn to me as well. 

And then there are the geese who seem louder than ever in the fall, honking overhead as they seek out a post-harvest field to glean the sheaves for their own.  It’s a beautiful, almost mournful sound for this season but then I wish they’d fly south.

Hot cocoa, hot cider, pumpkins, corn bundles, straw bales…autumn…Autumn…AUTUMN!!!  Such a delightful time.  I love autumn.

I am in an interesting portion of my life.  I would venture to say it is the autumn of my life.  Things are changing, the breath of spring and the exhuberance of summer in my life are both fading fast.  But yet here I am with this new kidney, this new lease on life, this new found energy that has been missing for so long.

There is a dichotomy going on for me.  On one hand I am now starting to sort through and pare down the belongings in my home.  Deciding which things I would like to keep for now and which things have spent their usefulness for me.  It’s a new experience for me.  So different from younger days when I was enjoying bringing my home to life to reflect my personality and my passions, my faith and the people and things I love.

Most of my friends now are in the stage of their lives where they are caring for elderly parents and welcoming grandchildren.  The joys and sorrows that come from welcomes and departures are bittersweet.  While I will never have grandchildren, I deeply love the children that are in my life now - my friends’ grandchildren, the children of my younger friends, the children in my church.  The time of caring for and ultimately releasing parents passed for me earlier in my years.  Now I can encourage my friends who are facing it because I have walked that road already.  And yet, I, too have people coming and leaving in my life in many different ways.  I am learning that grief remains an unwelcome part of every stage of life.

But conversely I am also experiencing a reblooming of dreams that have been dormant for so long.  Refining my writing, picking up the cello again, singing, creating beauty, teaching others skills that I have learned in my life - these dreams are coming are nudging to come alive again.  I want to learn to dance and play the piano and maybe even sew!  I want to mature in my faith, my emotions, my skills and in wisdom.  I want to learn to love more and care more for those the Lord has brought into my path over the years.  These are all things that even now in the autumn are still bursting forth in my spirit in a great explosion of longing.

Learning to live with certain limitations is also a part of this stage in life.  The spirit is willing - sometimes even excited - but the flesh is weak.  Sometimes it’s that “old Arthur Itis” (as my dearest Aunt Martha would say).  Sometimes it’s a stressful work week that finally catches up with me when I plop in my chair on a Friday night.  It can be the weariness of emotions that stir up as I look at the sadness that, if we were honest with ourselves, surrounds all of us at various times in our lives and often hangs around longer than we wish.  And for me, sometimes it’s the weariness of setting my drugs out and fighting infections and being careful to take care of myself and this gift of life inside me.   All of these things create certain limitations for me that I am learning to live with, adjust to, accept and still keep going.

But would I change any of it?  Probably not.  Autumn is a season of passing but it is also a season of abundance and beauty.  Sure I’d like to know what I know now and be twenty years younger so I could have the energy to do all those things I dream about.  But that’s not possible.  Sure I’d like to act more my age than I do.  I’m learning how to do that under the loving care of wise people in my life.  Would I choose to not take the kidney just because of the abundance of drug bottles that now grace my home or the infections that sometimes stubbornly hang on?  Absolutely, positively not. 

Even in sorrow there can be joy.  Even in sadness there can be growth.  In weariness needed rest is often provided.  Even in passages there can be abundance.  The Lord is persisting in His desire for me to learn these things.  I am grateful for that hound of heaven that dogs at my heals even in my favorite season.  Autum is truly a rich season.

 Thanks for reading.

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