18. February 2008 by Carol.

It appears that my PICC line will be removed tomorrow morning!  Yippee!!!!  No more being tethered to this stuff!  But I still like the idea of having a spiritual PICC line from the Lord to my heart so he can easily and painlessly infuse life into those places where I still lack spiritual strength.  Yet, alas, we usually learn best when things aren’t done easily or painlessly so I’m guessing my wish would not come true (and it would be for my own good).

And for not having to be tethered to a pole and bag of drugs, that is a good thing, too.  That, also, causes me to think about how easily I am tethered to things that only I can release myself from - fear, lack of trust, bad choices and so on.  So even though I bid my pole and bags and tubes a farewell I still need lessons in how to untether myself from so many things that hold me back.

May I learn from all this!  May it be so!

 Thanks for reading.

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18. February 2008 by Carol.

It’s 10:30 Sunday night and tomorrow I am planning to return to work full time in the office.  It’s been over two months (much longer than I ever dreamed it would be)  since I’ve worked full time and I must admit I am feeling reticent about it.  Can I make it through 8 hours of work plus do the 1 hour commute each way?  Will I remember how to do certain things at work?  Will I be able to get caught up on all the changes that have been made in the last two months?  I feel like a new employee starting a new job tomorrow…

One of the things I have noticed in these couple of months is that my brain is not as sharp, as quick as it was before.  I am sure I can blame all kinds of things - anesthesia, the plethora of drugs I’m taking (by the way, I’m down to 36 a day now) and their side effects, the fact that my brain hasn’t had the energy to be engaged to much the last number of weeks - yes I can blame all these things.   But tonight I feel myself getting fearful that my brain won’t ever return to it’s former self.

But I know that fear is not from the Lord and that I need to trust him to restore everything that I need to do my job well and maybe even better than ever before now that my kidney function is so much higher.  This is where I get hung up in my faith - the need to trust the Lord for all that I require to do what he has called me to do.  It’s that head/heart thing.  My head knows that trusting the Lord is truth but sometimes my heart defies what I know.    Makes me think about this PICC line I have in me - 51 centimeters (which I think is around 20″) that runs from my left arm to not far from my heart.  Wouldn’t it be nice to have a spiritual PICC line that could run from my head to my heart?  Then perhaps God could infuse those spiritual heart things that I need just like I infused the antibiotic into my blood stream.

Trust is just a five letter word with one syllable but it feels like the longest word in the dictionary to me.  May I learn how to shorten it to it’s proper length and respond with trust as quickly as I can say it.

Thanks for reading.

PS - tomorrow I will learn if I can eliminate the PICC line!  That would be a wonderful thing to eliminate.  I’ll let you know Tuesday.

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3. February 2008 by Carol.

And it’s not one I’ve ever thought I’d need or want to learn.  I was discharged from the hospital this afternoon.  Five long days of fighting off high fevers, getting poked for blood tests, x-rays, ultrasounds, procedures and, except for the times I’d have to go for those tests, looking at the same four walls the whole time (I was in isolation) with a constant companion at my side - an IV pole and pump.  People had to wear funny yellow plastic gowns and gloves and some even wore masks so sometimes it felt a bit science fiction-like surreal.

So what did they find out?  I have a mutated e-coli bacteria that is “multi-resistant” which means there’s not much that kills it off.  But there is one thing, though.  It’s an IV administered antibiotic and so that’s where my new skill comes in. 

I came home with a PICC line in my left upper arm.  That is a “peripherally inserted central catheter” that starts in my arm and ends up in my superior vena cava above my heart.  And then I have these two little tubes with IV plug-ins (I don’t know the technical term for these so I do the best I can!) hanging out of my left forearm.  Tomorrow morning a home health nurse is coming to teach me how to use these things.  I will learn how to flush them with saline solution, how to mix the IV medicine and connect it into one of the plugs, how to adjust for and count the “drips” so the drug is going into me at a pre-determined rate, how to remove it, flush the lines again and be happy until I do it again the next day. 

Hey maybe my next job evolution will be as a back up IV nurse, eh??  (just kidding Judi - I’m not going anywhere EVER and especially not nursing!)

But I look at the list of things I will learn tomorrow and I think the hardest one to learn will to “be happy until I do it again the next day…”  I feel like I’ve lost a whole week to fever delerium and procedures and lots and lots of sleep (I was exhausted from the 102 temps I was running most of the day Tuesday).  It was all an unplanned intrusion in my life. When I got home tonight I realized it’s the 2nd of February and I already have monthly bills to pay and so many things to do that I had planned for last week.  And as I look around my house (which is NEVER spotlessly clean) I realized just how fast everything turned around last Monday because I left dishes in the sink and an alarm clock set to go off every 9:30 PM and much more.  It’s all a blur to me now.

So how am I going to be happy everyday when I am so far behind, still very tired from this crazy week and needing to do last week’s things as well as the things I had planned for this week?  It all feels very overwhelming.  But then my friend Laura calls me and says “see you on Monday” as we finished the call.  Monday?  What was Monday?  Apparently she and another friend, Dee, had already planned that they were coming to my house on Monday to help me get my house cleaned up.  Even when I don’t ask I’m still “given unto.”  Thank you Lord!

And I was feeling very squeamish and fearful about this IV thing and doing it myself but then I got to thinking about how I just didn’t think I could pack my post surgical wound and I’ve made it through that  - wasn’t easy at first but now it’s old hat.  So I know that the Lord can help me with this, too. (”I can do all things…”)

And how will I get caught up with all my work both at home and employment related?  I don’t have the answer to that but I know that the Lord knew about last week long before it happened so I am hoping I can get to a place in my heart to trust him to help me get done what I need to complete - no more and no less.

 On a less spiritual note, I discovered that Jaime and I must have made quite an impression last December.  I was on the same floor she and I were on together the night before the surgery as well as where I went to after I left the ICU and so some of the staff I had caring for me this time were the same staff that were there last time.  Several times I had people coming in and they’d look at me and say “I remember you!!!!” and had some story to tell about what they remembered when it was both Jaime and I together or when I was on my own later.   Most of them were pretty funny stories.  In fact a couple of them reminded me of stories I’d forgotten.  I’ll tell you one brief one because it is probably the most amusing:

Jaime and I had a nursing tech named Carlos the night before the surgery.  We knew from the second he walked in the door that he was a “party in a box” and we would have fun with him.  This past week he reminded me of how he had asked Jaime if she had family there (my sister was there so where was Jaime’s family?) and she told him she was married.  So Carlos just blurted out “Does your husband know you’re here and giving away a kidney????”   Oh we had a laugh on that one!  And we teased him unmercifully.

Okay I’m tired of writing and, no doubt, you are tired of reading.  But thanks for reading anyhow.

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29. January 2008 by Carol.

I tend to be one of those people who likes to have all her ducks in a row and everything well planned out.  Spontaniety is fine for fun things when time and planning isn’t all that important but when there’s limited time or other plans that are messed up then I really squirm to work through all those changes in plans, disappointments, dashed expectations, etc.

Today was one of those days for me today.  I went into Loyola for several appointments fully expecting to run a couple of errands afterwards and come home to work a couple more hours.  Instead one of the procedures couldn’t be completed and they will need to sedate me to do it and I am running a temp and my blood work is off just enough for them to be a bit concerned.  So I was sent home to pack my bags and plan to head back to Loyola later tonight for a couple of days - a lady of leisure?  Probably not.  I was hoping to go in the office tomorrow and another day this week but instead my plans have to change and I have to adjust.  Ugh…I feel squirming coming on.

So for those of you who are patient and spontaneous and don’t get ruffled when plans change - how do you do it?  I know this is part of the Lord’s plans and I think of all the scriptures (”I know the plans I have for you…good and not harm” “If the Lord is willing then today or tomorrow we will [do this or that]” “Be still and know I am God” and then there’s all those “trust” ones, too.)  I know all these things are true.  I know the Lord has my best at heart.  But that is a place where my spirit still needs to grow - I have to not only KNOW they are true but I also have to move it from my head to my heart and my spirit.

It’s a faith issue that’s always bothered me and I keep wondering when I will be spiritually mature enough to not have it be an issue - after 36 years of knowing Jesus you’d think I’d be there.  But then again, perhaps this is my “thorn in the flesh” that I have to wrestle with the Lord each time my plans are not His plans.

Even at nearly 54 years old there are many lessons still to learn.

 Thanks for reading.

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19. January 2008 by Carol.

I’m on a quest to replace the style of shoes I’ve been wearing for many years.  They have been the perfect shoes - intensely comfortable, clunky cute (kind of 70’s-ish - that’s sort of my style anyhow) and better than any shoes I’ve ever worn.  But, alas, they are no longer made and I’m on my last pairs of them.  Because of my size 13’s it isn’t easy to just run out and find the perfect shoes.  It is a many month journey of trial and error with several styles before I find the perfect one.

So last week while I was on that search on a website that has wonderful shoes for those of us who are large of understanding (big feet) I found this crazy pair of red (I’ll drop the alliteration for now) satin sequined boy style sneakers (for girls)!  They had them in my size and they were on sale to boot (pun intended!).  Did I dare???  Yes, I decided.

So they came in the mail today and they are just so cute (okay so you guys out there can’t relate to cute shoes - trust me on this one) and quite a fashion statement!  But I got to thinking - did I have the nerve to wear them?

Tonight I was looking at them and they just make me smile.  I can see the looks on people’s faces when I return to work wearing red satin sequined sneakers!  Jaime is known for some of her fun fashion statements so as I looked at the shoes tonight I decided that this would be a way I would celebrate having a piece of Jaime inside me.

The Lord has been speaking to me a lot about joy the last year or more.  It is something that has been nearly missing in my life both spiritually and emotionally.  So I plan to use these red satin sequined sneakers to remind me of all he has done for me with this gift of life and let those shoes bring a smile to my face and perhaps restore joy to my heart.  It might be a bit silly to some of you but I plan to make these shoes a visual reminder because it is often too easy for me to forget all of God’s blessings to me.  May they be that for me!

Thanks for reading.

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17. January 2008 by Carol.

One of the many blessings the Lord provided for me when I was in the hospital was my “angel”, Aaron Costerisan (sorry, Aaron, if I misspelled your last name…).  Aaron was one of the med students on the surgical team.  When he came in to meet both of us the night before his appearance reminded me of a young version of a friend of mine who is somewhat well known in Christian radio.  So I asked Ken and Jaime if they knew my friend and as they said no, Aaron said “I know who he is.”  And I told him he looked like a younger version of my friend and I asked him how he knew him.  As it all came out, Aaron was a Wheaton College grad and a believer.  He is the nicest young man and I instantly felt the Lord had sent him my way to help me through this surgical process. 

He seemed to always be there when I needed some encouragement.  He was the first surgical team member to come into the room early the next morning and I was starting to freak out.  He stopped and prayed for me at that point.  A great blessing and comfort.  Later I was in pre-op he was there sitting at a computer working away and looked at me and smiled.  I was already freaking out about pre-op so just his smile was a great comfort.  Then they started poking me and putting in huge IV lines (he one they put in me the night before wasn’t “big enough” according to the docs) and all kinds of things and I really started freaking out.  The anesthesiologist came to talk to me about the process and I told her about my fears.  She was fine but not particularly comforting.  And just then who should walk by but Aaron and he looked at me and smiled!  Praise the Lord for Aaron.

And, Aaron, if you’re out there and reading this I pray for you often and know that the Lord has an amazing ministry for you as a doctor.  May you be blessed.

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17. January 2008 by Carol.

Tonight after I took my shower and I was changing the dressing on my wound it got me to thinking about some of the funny things that happened in the hospital.  One of my favorite funny things was when I finally got my surgeon, Dr. David Holt, to laugh.  Don’t get me wrong - he is an excellent surgeon - all the nurses and med students and residents spoke very highly of his skill.  But he was always just a little too serious for me and so I set out to try to make him laugh at some point while I was incarcerated…uh…in hospital.

My first attempt was when I had been assigned to use an incentive spirometer after the surgery.  This is an instrument that measures how much air is going in and out of the lungs.  This one was reverse from others I have used.  In the past I have used the ones that you have to blow out and into and make the little ball go as high as you can make it go so I kept breathng into it and into it and the ball wouldn’t move.  Finally one of the residents showed me that this particular instrument required my breathing IN instead of out and then I got the ball to move! 

But they kept calling it an incentive spirometer so I was asking what my incentive was if I got it all the way up?  What do I get if I do it?  Most of the med students and residents just laughed at me but when Dr. Holt came in he asked me how I was doing with it so I asked him what I my incentive was - what do I win if I get it all the way up to the top.  Well he had a good comeback.  He said to me that if I could make the ball go all the way to the top and make the bell ding that I’d win a car (what you probably don’t know is that there was no bell on the instrument)!  So I came back with an equally quick response and told him that I would find a way to make a bell ring on that instrument if it meant I’d win a car.  He kind of chuckled at that one.

But later that day I was asking him about the big bump around my incision that was kind of hard and very sore.  One of the med students told me it was where they had pushed back all my internal parts while they were putting in the kidney and that all of that tissue and other internal parts would eventually move back into place somewhere down the healing road.  So later in the day I was telling Dr. Holt about it and the pain that was associated with it.  I said to him “I know that’s where you tore me open and pushed back my internal parts but…” and he laughed out loud and said “Well I prefer to say it’s where I did my precision work of moving your internal parts out of the way!”  And we both had a good laugh over that one.

 Another story has to do with one of the interns who was taking care of Jaime and me the night before the surgery.  He came wandering in around 11 pm that night and had to take all this information from both of us.  He rolled his computer into the room and started asking his questions but about every 3 minutes his pager would go off and he’d have to use one of our phones to call in to see what the page was about.  It got to be really funny to us (but not to him) and we were really giving him a hard time about it.  He ended up having so much fun with us that he decided to hang out in our room for a little while because we were a lot of fun for him.

A whole bunch of people came to visit us the night before the surgery - we had a regular party in our room that night (and thanks to any of you who are reading this who might have attended - it really helped us that night).  Nate and Karen Kauffman came in with little gift bags for each of us and inside the bags were cans of kidney beans!  So we put the cans next to our beds and every time someone from the surgical team came in that night or in the morning we’d show them the can and tell them that if they botched up Jaime’s kidney that we had back ups ready for them in our cans.  We got many good chuckles with that one.

All in all I tried to make it amusing whenever it was possible.  Jaime, of course, was a great help in that as well.

Thanks for reading.

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15. January 2008 by Carol.

As most of you know, Barb is my sister.  We grew up in the same household but our experiences in that house were nearly total opposites.  You could say we grew up at the same address but in very different houses. But we both survived the madness and lived to tell.

Barb came down from her home in Minnesota the week of the surgery to be there with me in the hospital and to help me the week after the surgery.  A huge chunk of time from her very busy life.  What an enormous gift to me.

Let me tell you about my amazing sister.  She is clearly the most capable woman I know.  She can do it all and do it VERY well.  She cooks and cleans and organizes and reads voraciously.  She dresses just right for every occasion, she’s beautiful and patient and incredibly intelligent.  She takes amazing care of her family, does all the right things for every occasion and holiday AND she works full time!!!! 

Barb was there at the hospital every single day.  She took care of all the details that I wasn’t “with it” enough to think about.  She toted all my stuff because I couldn’t lift things after the surgery.  She walked all around that huge hospital, she kept in touch with everyone who wanted to know how I was doing and she did it all with a cheerful disposition and a smile on her face even though I knew she was exhausted.

THEN when I was sent home she went to work around here helping me with everything because there wasn’t a lot I could do for myself.  We laughed and got soaked the first night I was home as we attempted to wash my very dirty, grungy, bed head hair.  She helped me get up from my chair and out of bed even in the middle of the night when I need to use the facilities.  She brought me food and drink and whatever I needed. 

And while she was taking care of me and my house and all that was a part of getting me taken care of,  she was baking dozens and dozens of Christmas cookies.  And not just simple little drop cookies - these are beautiful cookies with many steps to the baking process and frosting afterwards and rolling some in nuts and others had hidden mint surprises in them.  They were equally as tasty as they were beautiful.  She is the most amazing cookie maker I’ve ever known.  We had an Aunt Martha who baked wonderful cookies but I think Barb has Aunt Martha topped!

So I watched my sister in this whole process (after all I didn’t have much else to do but sit and observe!) and marveled at her ability to accomplish so much in one short day.  She is an amazing and extremely capable woman and I am proud to have her as my sister and so very grateful for all that she did for me.

This is my tribute to my lovely and wonderful sister.

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15. January 2008 by Carol.

Those of you who know Jaime know what an incredible woman she really is.  She is beautiful in every way - body, soul and spirit.  She has a wonderful, cheerful spirit and she’s LOTS of fun.  She is incredibly generous.  And I’m pretty sure that “courage” is her middle name.  She has lived and/or visited places all over the world.  Her sense of adventure comes pouring out of her.  And she has a faith that is deep and encouraging.

I realize I’ve never told the whole story of how this all came about.  Jaime and I worked together at Awana.  She was in one of my first classes that I taught and was very nice to this scared new teacher of computers at Awana.  My first few months there I really wondered what I was doing trying to teach others how to use their computer when I was still learning myself.  But then I realized that because I was learning it and then teaching it that it made it less scary for those who came to me for learning.  I kept telling them if I could do this then they could too and so many have found that to be true.  Jaime came to a class that was really a little below her skills but she patiently listened to me lecture and followed along with the exercises on my screen and asked good, challenging questions (which also scared me! :-)  ).

But I knew from that first day that we would be friends and that she was a kindred spirit in many ways.  And I also knew that I wanted to know more about what made Jaime Chambers tick.

In the ensuing months we had opportunities to connect at various Awana functions and have some VERY funny stories to tell from those encounters.  Also in those same months it became apparent that my kidneys were continuing to go down and that it was likely that dialysis was looming as a choice I had to make.  I finally “showed my hand” at Awana and asked for prayer about this struggle in my life.

A week or so later Jaime stopped me in the atrium at Awana HQ and said to me, “I feel that the Lord wants me to be tested to give you a kidney.  Ken and I have been praying about it and feel very strongly about it.”  So I said “Wow!  Thanks!” and gave her a hug thinking about what a nice person she was and what a generous thought she had but never thinking she was really serious about it.  But as time went on she kept asking me when we were going to get tested and after asking me that several times I realized she was serious and started doing what I had to do for us to go get our blood tested together.

In the meantime, Ken took a job in California and they packed and moved.  Hmmm…a fly in the ointment…a duck getting out of the row…a question about whether this would really happen.  But Jaime was not deterred by the distance and she was coming back a few weeks later for a meeting and we decided to go for “blood and breakfast” one of the mornings she would be here.

I learned that the matching is done on six genetic markers.  If the donor was an identical twin then all the markers would match.  If the donor is a sibling or other close family member then perhaps there would be three or four of the six markers that would match.  But most of the time non-family donors don’t match at any of the markers or maybe one if you’re lucky.  So when our blood cross typing came back, the folks at Loyola kept asking each of us if we were related…were we sure we weren’t related???  Because we match at 3 of the 6 genetic markers!  Wow!  Now I knew even more that this was such a clear doing of the Lord.

Jaime and I would giggle about being long lost sisters or twins (LONG gestation period - we’re 7 years apart in age and, yes, she’s the youngster - she’s want me to make that clear!). 

But all of this is to show you what a remarkable woman Jaime is.  For her to choose to go through major surgery, have a major organ removed from her body so that I can have it, her courage and her generousity and her cheerful spirit and encouraging faith when I was getting so scared - all of these things are a enormous gift to my life.  I am eternally grateful for this wonderful woman in my life.

So this is my tribute to Jaime.

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15. January 2008 by Carol.

I have SO MANY people to thank for helping me get this far along in this process and those will come but I first want to write about two amazing women that the Lord used in huge ways to make all this possible.  So read on and bless these women with me.

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