15. January 2008 by Carol.

Yesterday, Sunday, it was exactly one month since Jaime and I were joined at the kidney.  Whew!  It seems like years ago and at the same time it doesn’t seem like it’s happened at all.  I am quite convinced that the reality of this - that I have a kidney that was born to someone else - is now in my body.  I can say it intellectually but I think emotionally and in my soul it has not hit me that much yet.  I am guessing it’s just because I’ve been so cocooned in this healing process that reality just isn’t completely there.

Oh don’t get me wrong - there have definitely been some realities in this though.  There’s the reality of the pain which is finally subsiding.  There’s the reality of 50+ pills down the hatch every day.  There’s the reality of a 10″ scar that wasn’t there 32 days ago.  There’s the bruises from all the blood draws and the collapsed veins because of all the pokes and sticks it has taken to give the IV’s I needed in the hospital and the blood tests to make sure I’m remaining stable.  There’s the incredible amount of tiredness that has prevailed in my body.  Naps are a daily necessity these last few weeks.

But thanks be to God I am remaining stable and the kidney and my body continue to seem to like each other (I’m glad for that because Jaime and I continue to like each other too and it would be sad if my body and her kidney just decided to have a fight!).  My staples came out last week and since then the incision doesn’t hurt at all except around the area that is still open and draining but even that is healing up much quicker than expected.  Again I give thanks to the Lord!

I have eliminated my isolation this week.  I started driving again on Saturday.  It was weird at first but since I’ve been driving for nearly 40 years it came back pretty quickly.  Today I even drove myself to Loyola and stopped at the grocery store on the way home.  But that was it for me.  Time for heading home after that!

I have also been released to work limited hours from home starting tomorrow!  I am grateful to be able to give it a try.  But I still need to get my head and my body to synch for longer periods of time than it has been the last few weeks.

So now I have the rest of my life to go.  Where before all this I was planning my funeral and pretty much just riding it out until I would be with Jesus, now I have to think about what appears to be a future longer than I had before.  What does the Lord have for me?  I keep asking “why me?” and why not someone else?  That clearly tells me that the Lord is not finished with me left.  I am constantly humbled by this and in that state I want to make sure I am listening carefully for how He wants me to move into this new found future.  For that I covet your prayers.

So that’s the update for now.  I have several tributes and other things I want to write and will begin them this evening.

Thanks for reading. 

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5. January 2008 by Carol.

It’s been awhile since I’ve written much.  I have so much inside my head and heart that I want to write out but when my brain is ready my body seems to say no and when my body has the energy my brain is in a fog.  But I thought I’d at least start writing something tonight and add more as the days go on.  I have much to tell about this process and all that has happened to me thus far.

It’s hard to believe it’s been 3 weeks since the transplant and yet at the same time it seems like a lifetime ago.

As for the moment, I am feeling okay.  The incision seems to be healing although the doctor did not take the staples out last Monday.  I am hoping for this Monday.  But I have developed a seroma which is a build up of fluid near the incision site.  It creates a big bump that can often be painful.  It started draining this week and I am grateful for that but it is annoying as well as painful.   Patience is not one of my strongest characteristics so this is an interesting test.

Jaime’s kidney and my body seem to be playing well together.  My kidney function is higher than it’s been in probabaly 15 years.  My creatinine level has been 1.4 for the last couple of weeks.  I am still hoping it will drop a little more but I can be happy with 1.4.  It had been 4.3 for quite some time prior to the transplant.  Everyone who sees me says I look better than I have in a long time - the dark circles are nearly gone under my eyes and my skin color is better than it’s been in awhile. 

So that’s it for now.  I have SO MUCH I want to write about what’s going on inside me as well as what the experience of getting a new kidney has been like for me but tonight is not the night.  Plus I want to write tributes to some amazing women who have been a big part of this process and I want to continue to look at the eliminations in our lives and how God wants to use them.  Soon…I promise.

Thanks for reading and praying, too.  I need the prayer for sure.

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21. December 2007 by Carol.

It’s been a week exactly at this very moment (5:05 pm) when I woke up in recovery at Loyola.  I remember looking at the clock and trying to decide if it was 5 after 5 or 25 after 1.  I figured sooner or later one of those hands would move and I’d know for sure.  Guess I was sort of “with it” at that point but it was an interesting awakening (and it was 5:05 pm at the time in case you wondered…).

What have I eliminated this week?  I’ve been thinking about that today.  Much of what I expected to - my prudishness about being poked and prodded and pushed and pulled (another “p” day on the blog) has diminished because of all the casts of thousands that seemed to want to see what my incision was doing at any given time of the day (or night).  I have eliminated the fear of the unknown as far as big surgery is concerned.  It is still a scary proposition no matter what but no longer an unknown so facing surgery in the future will have its own separate fears I suppose.

It hurts but it is not unbearable.  My incision is 9″ long and is a sort of “J” shaped thing on my lower abdomen.  I have Jaime’s left kidney in my right front side safely tucked away for good keeping.  It is working very well and those who have been monitoring it are very pleased.  My creatinine levels are near normal and my kidney function is right where it should be - both are better than they have been in probably 12 years or so.

 I don’t think it’s all hit me though.  As Jaime is probably getting off the plane right now I realize intellectually that she has left a part of her behind here and inside of me but I don’t think that psychologically, emotionally and spiritually it has really sunk in yet.  I know it will, though, and probably very soon.

I take over 50 pills each day which is amazing to me.  Each bunch of pills is a meal in itself and yet they still expect me to eat!  Sometimes eating is hard and sometimes it’s okay.  But those prune muffins that I created the other day??…they are working their wonder (okay - too much information….)

I have much more to write about.  The Lord gave me an angel during the surgery process and I will tell you more about Aaron Costeresan sometime in the coming days.  And He is giving me much grace.  I get very, very frustrated at how the simplest of things seem to take so much time and thought to do (”Let’s see, how do I stand up from this chair?  How do I get out of bed?  I have to do WHAT before I take a shower??)…too much to think about for such simple things.  I am seeing a point of frustration in all of that.  But I am also seeing God’s grace.

And how grateful I am for all those who are supporting me through this.  My incredibly capable and energetic sister is amazing.  And my friends (probably all of you who would possibly be reading this) have been a huge support and helped make this a little fun in the midst of the all the business of this surgery thing.

So, once again, thanks for reading.  I will make every attempt to write a little something every day now.  It is good for my soul and I think some of you might even be enjoying it some, too.

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15. December 2007 by Nate.

Another update from Barb. As of 10:00am today:

Hi all,

Carol got out of Intensive Care last evening (Friday) and is back on the 6th floor. She is still on track to go home on Sunday, but she will have to get up and start walking to be able to do that. The nurses will probably make her do that today. The kidney is working - her blood creatinine levels are coming down toward normal. Jaime is also doing well. She will be released either later today or tomorrow. Thank you all for your continuing prayers.

Love, Barb

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14. December 2007 by Nate.

From an email from Barb (Carol’s sister). Sent earlier this evening.

Hello all,
Sorry to be so late in contacting you, but it has been a very long day. It started much later than we expected, with Jaime the donor starting her surgery at 9am and Carol not starting hers until almost 11am. It was successful for both of them. Jaime was finished about 230pm and Carol at 5pm. The kidney is in and functioning-already producing urine. Both Carol and Jaime are doing well. Jaime is back in her regular hospital room tonight. Carol is in the ICU unit for the night and if she continues to do as well as she is now, will be back in her regular room sometime tomorrow. Thank you all for your prayers and support. I feel like Carol was surrounded by a halo of love all through this process. I will try to send another update either tomorrow or Saturday as there is news to report. Thank you again.

Barb Garton
(aka Carol’s sister)

Thanks for reading [and praying].

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11. December 2007 by Carol.

Today will be a day of eliminating what has seemed like an endless list of things to do before this medical adventure I am going on.  But just when I think I have the list written down completely I think of something else I need to do which makes eliminating that list just that much more difficult.  So my eliminations for today will be to accomplish as much as I can of this list so that they are eliminated from the list and then eliminate my intense need to get everything done if I don’t have it all done by the end of the day.  Then I need to slow down my non-stop whirling brain and eliminate thoughts about everything else but what is ahead for the next few days.  This will be a tough transition because I’m used to taking care of everything myself (think it’s a control issue?? :-)  ) and after today I am, for the next many days, going to need others to do an awful lot for me.   Hmmm….eliminating self-sufficiency might be the thing in this case…  This will be hard.

Thanks for reading.

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11. December 2007 by Carol.

Denial…that was today’s elimination.  I know I have been in somewhat of a state of denial since all this started moving so fast a couple weeks ago but today that denial was given a big, humongous, ginormous slap in the face!  Nearly decked me!  I spent the day at Loyola getting poked and prodded and meeting with some of those who will be taking care of me in the coming days.  Meeting with the anesthesiology representative was an eye opener and then came the surgeon…  He poked around and showed me where he was going to cut and how long it will be (8 inches!!!! - yikes!) and all the potential complications for my situation.  I tried so hard to get him to laugh but I think he doesn’t have much of a sense of humor…are all surgeons like that?  There were blood draws and x-rays and signatures and paperwork abounded.  And everything was all sort of gray - the weather, the environment, my disposition…am I really doing the right thing (I kept wondering…)?

But as I went through the day I watched the people around me as I moved from place to place.  “These people are really sick” I kept saying to myself, “I don’t belong here…”  Ah, there it was again…that denial thing.  My heart ached for those who were so outwardly obviously sick.  And I then had a glimmer of gratefulness that I would, Lord willing, not be one of those dialysis patients who get so sick from kidney failure.

And all of a sudden I ran into Jaime in the hallway.  She too was being sent from pillar to post and being poked and prodded (it was a “p” day as my young friend Raymond would say) but there she was coming down the hall and we both smiled when we saw each other and embraced.  She is so brave and strong…can I get even just a little of that in her left kidney that she is giving me?  I hope so.

And so many people I encountered today that worked at Loyola.  Many of them somewhat welcoming and helpful.  Others were so unhappy and it seemed like their lives lacked any joy.  Many were immigrants from Poland and elsewhere.  I wondered what their lives were like.

So denial is slowly being eliminated from my brain.  What will replace it?  Courage?  I hope so.  Fear?  No doubt…it’s already seeping in.  But I keep thinking about the story in scripture about the paralytic who was lowered through the roof by his faithful and faith filled friends.  It was because of those friends that he was healed and that is how I feel right now.  Because if the faith of those who are in my lfie and care about me, I will be healed.

Thanks for reading.

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10. December 2007 by Carol.

I keep thinking about the word eliminate. Having become so aware of what our kidneys do for us, I have a pretty clear understanding of this “process of elimination” that happens in our bodies with these amazing filters that God placed inside us. But I’ve also been thinking about other things that have been eliminated in my life over the years because these scrawny kidneys of mine don’t do what they want to do. My finger nails were pretty much wiped out but the irony is that this illness also makes you very, very itchy. Kind of cruel, don’t you think? I’ve eliminated eating large amounts of protein in my diet (which is probably a good thing to an extent).

Recently several wonderful friends have helped me eliminate some of the piles of stuff in my house. Others have helped me eliminate a good bit of the summertime dirt that filtered into my windows this year. All of these wonderful, practical ways of eliminating.

And then there’s Jaime, my dear friend and donor, who is eliminating a whole part of herself so that I can live. Yes, indeed, “greater love has no man than to lay down his life for a friend” has certainly come to life in my heart in a new way.

But then there are the more esoteric kinds of eliminating that can happen in our lives. My spiritual “dad” is encouraging me to eliminate the negative thinking that seems to easily beset me in nearly every place in my life. God is helping me to understand how to eliminate fear from my heart and trust Him that He has everything under control. Which then leads me to the idea of eliminating control issues in my life…now THAT would be quite an elimination, wouldn’t it?

So tomorrow I begin the journey in some very specific ways. Blood tests and physical examinations and the inevitable poking and prodding that comes with them will become a way of life for me for the next few weeks. So I must learn to eliminate a certain amount of prudishness and privacy that are pretty strong in my life and just try to sit back for the ride - a ride for my life.

Yet as I sit here at my computer on the eve of the beginning of this ride I hear this still, small Voice saying “Be still and know that I am God…” So I must eliminate all the squirming in my head, heart and soul so that I may know that stillness and peace.

Thanks for reading.

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6. December 2007 by Carol.

Many of you have asked me to have something posted on the internet about my experiences of going through a kidney transplant.  My colleague and friend, Nate Kauffman, created this little blog site for me and I will attempt to ramble about what it’s all like and maybe even occasionally wax eloquent.  So welcome to my blog.  We’ll see what comes out of it.

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